the Snapshot

I've been going through some amazing photos online lately and it got me to thinking about how many photos you have to throw out to get that one great, jaw dropping photo.
You know how it is, you take photos of your kids and then don't post them because there is clutter on the counter in the background or one of them is making a funny face. We cant have that so you have to start all over to make sure you are showing them in their best light and that your house looks uncluttered. We don't want people to see our mess, whether its a funny face or a cluttered counter. We want our snapshot to be clean and happy and clutter free.

It's much like sharing our lives either online or in person. We mostly leave out the clutter. Sure we can post about the messes but we are very specific about which messes we share, aren't we? We share about the big stuff, the really bad stuff, we know that everyone has some big messes so we can talk about some of ours. Someone we love is going through a big battle with their health so we can talk about that safely. We can complain about the weather or the politics or that thing that we are super passionate about.
Then there's the good stuff. We had a great vacation so lets share some of those photos, not the one where the seagull photobombed us of course, or the one of the kids fighting at Disneyland, but the best of the best photos. We know that we can share the first day of school shots, the graduations, the first of everythings.... those are the big moments. The ones you have to share. We take the photos of the best parts, near the pretty tree or the newly decorated front door. We take photos until our kids are screaming that they're going to miss the bus. You got that one great shot though didn't you?

But what about the clutter? What about the rest of the yard that may not look so pretty or the mail sitting on the counter? What about the ones that didn't turn out so great? We don't show any of that. We crop that out of what we show the world. We cant show the stuff that is left to be done, the projects that aren't finished, the mess we made while trying to cook that perfect meal that really wasn't all that perfect anyway. We hide all evidence of what the rest of our lives look like, all that stuff cant be shown or talked about in public. We shove it all in the closet so we can take the photos that we share with the world. We are ashamed of our life clutter, the day to day minutia that no one talks about. We are sure that we are the only ones who have this much stuff that needs to be done. We get overwhelmed thinking about how much stuff we have to do and start to think that everyone else's life must be so much easier than our own. We know that we have all this stuff to deal with, but our friends pictures looks so clean, so organized, and nothing out of place.

This is what happens when we compare our full un-photoshopped lives with someone else's snapshot. We look at their one picture and say "Their life is so much better than mine". "Why don't they have all this stuff that needs to be done?" Their pictures show happy kids, in a nice uncluttered home, with a great front door. Guess what? They have clutter too. They have papers on the counter that we don't see, they have those moments when they just want to scream at the mess their kids leave on the floor or the fact that yet, again, they have to take the dog to the vet. They have work stress and relationship stress and life clutter. They do! I promise you. So why is it we look at that one snapshot, the one photo out of the hundred that were taken to achieve that one and say "That's it! The the life I want. I would be so much happier if I could just live their life"

Our lives are not snapshots, we are not the one photo. We are made up of all the 99 photos that didn't turn out. Those are what life is all about, for all of us. The little insecurities that we don't show, the stuff on the counter, the stuff that is now jammed in the closet. The stuff we are ashamed to admit that we have. We all have life clutter. We all have things that we crop out of the picture we show the world.

We can't compare our whole lives with someone else's snapshot, No one lives their lives in the photos that we see. Those are the best moments, the big ones, the one out of 100 that we love and want to share with the world. Embrace your 99 photos, maybe even share a couple of them with your friends. Maybe then we can all take a deep breath and say "you too?! I thought I was the only one" and maybe we can start to realize that the stuff in our closets isn't so overwhelming and our lives are developing just the way they are supposed to.


Comparison is the thief of joy. Theodore Roosevelt

From the heart of a friend, with love

If you and I are friends, and have been for any length of time, you know how I feel about you. Why? Because I've probably told you, more than once. It's pretty rare that I leave my friends with anything less than a hug and an "I love you" of some sort. There are reasons behind that, fear of no more tomorrows or of leaving someone and them not ever knowing how special they were to me. More than that though, more than the fear, is the appreciation. I have the most amazing friends that anyone could ask for! I have friends that have my back when my world is going to hell in hand basket, friends that step up and say "I'm here for you" friends that come along side me and just walk with me, friends who have touched my life through their stories, their songs, their lives. I have friends who want to have a good time with me and enjoy life, friends who are always there in the hard times, and a very special group who do all of the above.

I want people to think of me as someone who loved openly and freely, without fear of condemnation, because that's what I believe we were called to do. Show love, be love. Its a goal I strive for and a life I want to live.

So, friends, in case you ever doubt it, know that I love you. Know that you have made a difference in my life, that I care about you. You are important and have so much to offer the world! Thank you for being my friend.

On becoming happy

Happiness, the ever elusive state for so many of us. Do you remember in the angst of High School hearing over and over again "I just want to be HAPPY!"? I remember that, I remember feeling that and saying that. Many of us struggle so much with just that one thing that everything else just dulls in comparison. So how do we get there?

One of my favourite musicians, Chris Trapper, has a song called "Happy Where I am", many of his songs provide the soundtrack for my life, but this one especially has always resonated with me. One of the verses goes like this

"It was a sweltering summer day, I mean a mean heat
So I threw my dirty blanket on the city beach
A guy I know invited me on his new yacht
For steak tartar and creme brulee and top shelf scotch
And there were babies crying, loud radios
and castles made of sand
I’m happy where I am "

( www.ChrisTrapper.com )

I always appreciated that type of contentment, that in the midst of the chaos of a public beach he talked of happiness and choosing that over being spoiled on a yacht. How do we get that contentment? That sense of having enough. Why is that concept is hard to put into action for so many of us?

As a life long traveler, I have perfected the art of searching for happiness. No really, I get it. I've lived in more than 40 houses in my life, in 4 different Provinces, 1 Territory and 6 States. I have turned the "Pursuit of Happiness" into a life challenge.

Guess what? It isn't there. I mean in moving. I've done it, I've searched! It wasn't in Washington, it wasn't in Colorado, it wasn't even in Alaska (and if its going to be anywhere it would probably be there!). I've come to conclusion that happiness is not a place or a destination. Its a decision. An every single day decision. Its waking up every morning and saying "Lord, I may not have all I want or be where I want to be, but I have today and that's enough! So thank you" Its knowing, without a shadow of a doubt, that you can choose to be happy no matter what comes your way. I don't want to be Pollyanna about it, it is work, but it is so worth it!

Think for a moment how many blessings you have. You woke up today, that's a great start. You have a roof over your head and apparently an internet connection, those are good things. You have people who love you even if they aren't the people you would have chosen, they're your people and that's ok. You have a purpose, a reason for being here, you make people smile. Those are reasons to be happy. I bet you can think of a dozen more right now too. In your own pursuit of happiness don't bypass that happiness that is in your life now. Cherish what is there now. There is happiness in every day, in the smallest of acts to the really large ones. Don't overlook those! That is where true happiness lies.

Its enough, YOU are enough. Be happy, choose that for yourself.

Where's that mother of the year crown....

I know I left it around here somewhere...my friends and I have a virtual crown that we pass around when we make a bonehead parenting move. I'm about to share my most recent entry for mother of the year.

So, if you're looking for a perfect parenting blog, keep looking, clearly this isn't it.

My kids are old enough to spend the night alone. Well one is an adult and very capable of watching out for his sisters so I took advantage of that fact last night and had a date with my husband. Glorious! I came home to reality today though, to a sink full of dishes and a messy house. Clothes that were left out and food that was not put away. Glorious to gross in 60 seconds flat.

I got most of that straightened away, with begrudged help from the guilty parties, and came up to my office to find Karissa, my youngest, had changed my dry erase calendar. Ok I will admit that this is really silly but I am pretty controlling when it comes to things like calendars. Its how I know what I have to do and I am really precise about what goes on there. She asked if she could do it this month because its her birthday but I had specifically told her not to do it, that I would handle it when I got home. She was very proud of herself and told me that she had worked really hard on it and figured out the dates all by herself but instead of using that moment as a chance to praise her initiative I took the low road and chose to use it as a moment of discipline. I reminded her that I told her to not to do it when she asked yesterday and that I had a lot of things that needed to go on it so the numbers needed to be small because of it. She was upset and while I comforted her I still didn't give in. I really should have taken the high road and saw the good in it but at that point it was just one more thing that hadnt been done the way I asked for them to be done. I took a break and prayed about it. I was reminded that it wasn't too long ago that she couldn't make numbers small enough to fit on that calendar at all, and that in the grand scheme of things, it was really a tiny little blip. She made a huge step to help and I shot her down. I hate being wrong but I knew I was. Enough excuses. I had to make it right.

I brought her back upstairs. I sat down with her and apologized and told her that I was wrong. I said that parents aren't perfect and while she still disobeyed me I knew that she was trying to help. She was excited to be responsible enough to do the calendar and to help me. So I erased everything and we started all over. I wrote down the things I needed to do and she got to write in all the dates and make the rest of the notes. She walked away with her head held high and proud of herself again.

This is one of those parenting moments when you feel like an utter failure. I feel absolutely petty and honestly, pretty embarrassed about the whole thing. I salvaged what I could and I hope she remembers that I was woman enough to admit that I was wrong and tried to fix it.

Stop the Mommy Wars!

There was a piece today on Good Morning America about the mommy wars, this particular story was about moms who are feeling stressed out or intimidated by the pictures and projects that other mommies post online. Either on Pinterest or blogs of people going all out with, in this case super cakes, for their kids birthdays. Moms who feel like they dont measure up because they can't bake that cake or whatever example you want to use. Some are intimidated by others who garden or others whose kids appear to excel at everything they try. While Pinterest and blogs can be a great source of inspiration, they can also stress people out thinking they dont measure up.

There are few things that bother me more than the concept of "Mommy Wars". Here's the thing, there is no war! There are people who will try to tell you that you aren't doing it right or you aren't good enough but you do NOT have to join the battle! That's the best thing about it, you can choose not to compete! Mega cakes not your thing? Don't worry about, that's what bakers are for! Don't know how to do something? If you want to do it, learn! There are videos on YouTube on just about every subject or even better, find a friend who IS good at it and ask her to show you! If it turns out you're not good at that either, find what you are good at and what you enjoy and do that, love that, let that become your super mommy skill. The most important thing to remember is that you are EXACTLY what your children need! If you are stressed out about competing with other self proclaimed super moms you are not only hurting yourself, you are cheating your kids from the wonderful mother you already are!


The other thing about is that if more moms would take this stand, do you realize how liberating it would be? You show up with a great gift in a beautifully wrapped package and instead of letting other people think you managed to squeeze that in between scouts, baseball, soccer, Bible study and mommy and me yoga, you bring a handful of business cards and pass them out to the rest of the moms and say "I didn't do this, but aren't they amazing? Try this person next time!"
Then maybe, just maybe someone would say "you know that mom over there? She is really awesome at wrapping gifts, maybe I can pay her, or trade with her, to wrap mine next time!" I use this example because wrapping presents is NOT my gift! I would totally hire someone to wrap presents for me! The point is, as women and moms we have to let go of this notion that we have to be able to do all of these things perfectly to be a great mom, that simply is NOT true! My Sister in Law over at The Pink Patisserie http://pinkpatisserie.blogspot.com/ makes amazing cakes and other beautiful creations. I love reading her blog and seeing the amazing things she creates. I am not gifted in this area either though so guess what? When I need a cake next time, she'll be getting a phone call. I'm ok with that. I need to be ok with that because I am totally awesome at other things. So I will gladly pass out her cards, or her website and not claim to have made any of it and we should ALL be ok with doing that! We should all be ok with showing up somewhere with something that you didnt create and be totally proud of that fact! Youre HUMAN, congratulations!

How amazing would that be?? How utterly freeing as well! Not only are you telling others you aren't perfect, you're telling them its ok for them not to be perfect too! Sure it's a risk, but for the brave soul to start it, think of the rewards! No more staying up all hours of the night trying to juggle 20 different things in order to pretend to be someone you're not, no more trying to one-up the rest of the mommies in your group, you're just you, the one God made you to be, the one your kids already love! Be that mom! You are great just the way you are!

So take a deep breath mommas, as my friend Sheila just told me, we need to be kind to each other and maybe more importantly, be kind to ourselves. You can do this! I believe in you.