the Snapshot

I've been going through some amazing photos online lately and it got me to thinking about how many photos you have to throw out to get that one great, jaw dropping photo.
You know how it is, you take photos of your kids and then don't post them because there is clutter on the counter in the background or one of them is making a funny face. We cant have that so you have to start all over to make sure you are showing them in their best light and that your house looks uncluttered. We don't want people to see our mess, whether its a funny face or a cluttered counter. We want our snapshot to be clean and happy and clutter free.

It's much like sharing our lives either online or in person. We mostly leave out the clutter. Sure we can post about the messes but we are very specific about which messes we share, aren't we? We share about the big stuff, the really bad stuff, we know that everyone has some big messes so we can talk about some of ours. Someone we love is going through a big battle with their health so we can talk about that safely. We can complain about the weather or the politics or that thing that we are super passionate about.
Then there's the good stuff. We had a great vacation so lets share some of those photos, not the one where the seagull photobombed us of course, or the one of the kids fighting at Disneyland, but the best of the best photos. We know that we can share the first day of school shots, the graduations, the first of everythings.... those are the big moments. The ones you have to share. We take the photos of the best parts, near the pretty tree or the newly decorated front door. We take photos until our kids are screaming that they're going to miss the bus. You got that one great shot though didn't you?

But what about the clutter? What about the rest of the yard that may not look so pretty or the mail sitting on the counter? What about the ones that didn't turn out so great? We don't show any of that. We crop that out of what we show the world. We cant show the stuff that is left to be done, the projects that aren't finished, the mess we made while trying to cook that perfect meal that really wasn't all that perfect anyway. We hide all evidence of what the rest of our lives look like, all that stuff cant be shown or talked about in public. We shove it all in the closet so we can take the photos that we share with the world. We are ashamed of our life clutter, the day to day minutia that no one talks about. We are sure that we are the only ones who have this much stuff that needs to be done. We get overwhelmed thinking about how much stuff we have to do and start to think that everyone else's life must be so much easier than our own. We know that we have all this stuff to deal with, but our friends pictures looks so clean, so organized, and nothing out of place.

This is what happens when we compare our full un-photoshopped lives with someone else's snapshot. We look at their one picture and say "Their life is so much better than mine". "Why don't they have all this stuff that needs to be done?" Their pictures show happy kids, in a nice uncluttered home, with a great front door. Guess what? They have clutter too. They have papers on the counter that we don't see, they have those moments when they just want to scream at the mess their kids leave on the floor or the fact that yet, again, they have to take the dog to the vet. They have work stress and relationship stress and life clutter. They do! I promise you. So why is it we look at that one snapshot, the one photo out of the hundred that were taken to achieve that one and say "That's it! The the life I want. I would be so much happier if I could just live their life"

Our lives are not snapshots, we are not the one photo. We are made up of all the 99 photos that didn't turn out. Those are what life is all about, for all of us. The little insecurities that we don't show, the stuff on the counter, the stuff that is now jammed in the closet. The stuff we are ashamed to admit that we have. We all have life clutter. We all have things that we crop out of the picture we show the world.

We can't compare our whole lives with someone else's snapshot, No one lives their lives in the photos that we see. Those are the best moments, the big ones, the one out of 100 that we love and want to share with the world. Embrace your 99 photos, maybe even share a couple of them with your friends. Maybe then we can all take a deep breath and say "you too?! I thought I was the only one" and maybe we can start to realize that the stuff in our closets isn't so overwhelming and our lives are developing just the way they are supposed to.


Comparison is the thief of joy. Theodore Roosevelt

From the heart of a friend, with love

If you and I are friends, and have been for any length of time, you know how I feel about you. Why? Because I've probably told you, more than once. It's pretty rare that I leave my friends with anything less than a hug and an "I love you" of some sort. There are reasons behind that, fear of no more tomorrows or of leaving someone and them not ever knowing how special they were to me. More than that though, more than the fear, is the appreciation. I have the most amazing friends that anyone could ask for! I have friends that have my back when my world is going to hell in hand basket, friends that step up and say "I'm here for you" friends that come along side me and just walk with me, friends who have touched my life through their stories, their songs, their lives. I have friends who want to have a good time with me and enjoy life, friends who are always there in the hard times, and a very special group who do all of the above.

I want people to think of me as someone who loved openly and freely, without fear of condemnation, because that's what I believe we were called to do. Show love, be love. Its a goal I strive for and a life I want to live.

So, friends, in case you ever doubt it, know that I love you. Know that you have made a difference in my life, that I care about you. You are important and have so much to offer the world! Thank you for being my friend.

On becoming happy

Happiness, the ever elusive state for so many of us. Do you remember in the angst of High School hearing over and over again "I just want to be HAPPY!"? I remember that, I remember feeling that and saying that. Many of us struggle so much with just that one thing that everything else just dulls in comparison. So how do we get there?

One of my favourite musicians, Chris Trapper, has a song called "Happy Where I am", many of his songs provide the soundtrack for my life, but this one especially has always resonated with me. One of the verses goes like this

"It was a sweltering summer day, I mean a mean heat
So I threw my dirty blanket on the city beach
A guy I know invited me on his new yacht
For steak tartar and creme brulee and top shelf scotch
And there were babies crying, loud radios
and castles made of sand
I’m happy where I am "

( www.ChrisTrapper.com )

I always appreciated that type of contentment, that in the midst of the chaos of a public beach he talked of happiness and choosing that over being spoiled on a yacht. How do we get that contentment? That sense of having enough. Why is that concept is hard to put into action for so many of us?

As a life long traveler, I have perfected the art of searching for happiness. No really, I get it. I've lived in more than 40 houses in my life, in 4 different Provinces, 1 Territory and 6 States. I have turned the "Pursuit of Happiness" into a life challenge.

Guess what? It isn't there. I mean in moving. I've done it, I've searched! It wasn't in Washington, it wasn't in Colorado, it wasn't even in Alaska (and if its going to be anywhere it would probably be there!). I've come to conclusion that happiness is not a place or a destination. Its a decision. An every single day decision. Its waking up every morning and saying "Lord, I may not have all I want or be where I want to be, but I have today and that's enough! So thank you" Its knowing, without a shadow of a doubt, that you can choose to be happy no matter what comes your way. I don't want to be Pollyanna about it, it is work, but it is so worth it!

Think for a moment how many blessings you have. You woke up today, that's a great start. You have a roof over your head and apparently an internet connection, those are good things. You have people who love you even if they aren't the people you would have chosen, they're your people and that's ok. You have a purpose, a reason for being here, you make people smile. Those are reasons to be happy. I bet you can think of a dozen more right now too. In your own pursuit of happiness don't bypass that happiness that is in your life now. Cherish what is there now. There is happiness in every day, in the smallest of acts to the really large ones. Don't overlook those! That is where true happiness lies.

Its enough, YOU are enough. Be happy, choose that for yourself.

Where's that mother of the year crown....

I know I left it around here somewhere...my friends and I have a virtual crown that we pass around when we make a bonehead parenting move. I'm about to share my most recent entry for mother of the year.

So, if you're looking for a perfect parenting blog, keep looking, clearly this isn't it.

My kids are old enough to spend the night alone. Well one is an adult and very capable of watching out for his sisters so I took advantage of that fact last night and had a date with my husband. Glorious! I came home to reality today though, to a sink full of dishes and a messy house. Clothes that were left out and food that was not put away. Glorious to gross in 60 seconds flat.

I got most of that straightened away, with begrudged help from the guilty parties, and came up to my office to find Karissa, my youngest, had changed my dry erase calendar. Ok I will admit that this is really silly but I am pretty controlling when it comes to things like calendars. Its how I know what I have to do and I am really precise about what goes on there. She asked if she could do it this month because its her birthday but I had specifically told her not to do it, that I would handle it when I got home. She was very proud of herself and told me that she had worked really hard on it and figured out the dates all by herself but instead of using that moment as a chance to praise her initiative I took the low road and chose to use it as a moment of discipline. I reminded her that I told her to not to do it when she asked yesterday and that I had a lot of things that needed to go on it so the numbers needed to be small because of it. She was upset and while I comforted her I still didn't give in. I really should have taken the high road and saw the good in it but at that point it was just one more thing that hadnt been done the way I asked for them to be done. I took a break and prayed about it. I was reminded that it wasn't too long ago that she couldn't make numbers small enough to fit on that calendar at all, and that in the grand scheme of things, it was really a tiny little blip. She made a huge step to help and I shot her down. I hate being wrong but I knew I was. Enough excuses. I had to make it right.

I brought her back upstairs. I sat down with her and apologized and told her that I was wrong. I said that parents aren't perfect and while she still disobeyed me I knew that she was trying to help. She was excited to be responsible enough to do the calendar and to help me. So I erased everything and we started all over. I wrote down the things I needed to do and she got to write in all the dates and make the rest of the notes. She walked away with her head held high and proud of herself again.

This is one of those parenting moments when you feel like an utter failure. I feel absolutely petty and honestly, pretty embarrassed about the whole thing. I salvaged what I could and I hope she remembers that I was woman enough to admit that I was wrong and tried to fix it.

Stop the Mommy Wars!

There was a piece today on Good Morning America about the mommy wars, this particular story was about moms who are feeling stressed out or intimidated by the pictures and projects that other mommies post online. Either on Pinterest or blogs of people going all out with, in this case super cakes, for their kids birthdays. Moms who feel like they dont measure up because they can't bake that cake or whatever example you want to use. Some are intimidated by others who garden or others whose kids appear to excel at everything they try. While Pinterest and blogs can be a great source of inspiration, they can also stress people out thinking they dont measure up.

There are few things that bother me more than the concept of "Mommy Wars". Here's the thing, there is no war! There are people who will try to tell you that you aren't doing it right or you aren't good enough but you do NOT have to join the battle! That's the best thing about it, you can choose not to compete! Mega cakes not your thing? Don't worry about, that's what bakers are for! Don't know how to do something? If you want to do it, learn! There are videos on YouTube on just about every subject or even better, find a friend who IS good at it and ask her to show you! If it turns out you're not good at that either, find what you are good at and what you enjoy and do that, love that, let that become your super mommy skill. The most important thing to remember is that you are EXACTLY what your children need! If you are stressed out about competing with other self proclaimed super moms you are not only hurting yourself, you are cheating your kids from the wonderful mother you already are!


The other thing about is that if more moms would take this stand, do you realize how liberating it would be? You show up with a great gift in a beautifully wrapped package and instead of letting other people think you managed to squeeze that in between scouts, baseball, soccer, Bible study and mommy and me yoga, you bring a handful of business cards and pass them out to the rest of the moms and say "I didn't do this, but aren't they amazing? Try this person next time!"
Then maybe, just maybe someone would say "you know that mom over there? She is really awesome at wrapping gifts, maybe I can pay her, or trade with her, to wrap mine next time!" I use this example because wrapping presents is NOT my gift! I would totally hire someone to wrap presents for me! The point is, as women and moms we have to let go of this notion that we have to be able to do all of these things perfectly to be a great mom, that simply is NOT true! My Sister in Law over at The Pink Patisserie http://pinkpatisserie.blogspot.com/ makes amazing cakes and other beautiful creations. I love reading her blog and seeing the amazing things she creates. I am not gifted in this area either though so guess what? When I need a cake next time, she'll be getting a phone call. I'm ok with that. I need to be ok with that because I am totally awesome at other things. So I will gladly pass out her cards, or her website and not claim to have made any of it and we should ALL be ok with doing that! We should all be ok with showing up somewhere with something that you didnt create and be totally proud of that fact! Youre HUMAN, congratulations!

How amazing would that be?? How utterly freeing as well! Not only are you telling others you aren't perfect, you're telling them its ok for them not to be perfect too! Sure it's a risk, but for the brave soul to start it, think of the rewards! No more staying up all hours of the night trying to juggle 20 different things in order to pretend to be someone you're not, no more trying to one-up the rest of the mommies in your group, you're just you, the one God made you to be, the one your kids already love! Be that mom! You are great just the way you are!

So take a deep breath mommas, as my friend Sheila just told me, we need to be kind to each other and maybe more importantly, be kind to ourselves. You can do this! I believe in you.

A little bit of Thanksgiving

We are dual citizens in our house, Half American/Half Canadian. We live in the States now and I try to honour as many of the Canadian traditions as I can, this includes having TWO Thanksgivings. Yes its a lot of work but as we say around here "You can never be too Thankful" Come Christmas time, I am ready for ham or prime rib as I have kind of had my fill of turkey :)

I just dont think it should end there though, you know? We have been going through a lot lately and I just realized that we haven't really taken the time to be thankful for the good stuff in our lives. There is SO much good stuff, we are truly blessed beyond words. So, in addition to the two I will already be doing this year, today is sort of a "remember to the Thankful, Thanksgiving". And what better way than to go all out with a turkey dinner?

Here is a little look at what Thanksgiving day looks like in our house.

Turkey of course... stuffed with apples, onions, and bacon. Yes Bacon. This is a tip I learned from my mother in law. Instead of putting butter on your turkey, use bacon grease, it tastes SO much better! So here what goes in the turkey

I didn't have any fresh onions and really didn't have the energy to go to the store so dried onion to the rescue. I could be all crunchy and tell you I dried the onions from own garden but for $3. at Costco, why bother? A little trick to stuffing your turkey, put it in a large bowl and then just slide everything in. I don't know why no one ever told me that, its the easiest way to do it. Rub the bacon grease over the outside and whatever spices you want. I dont really add any more salt because the bacon takes care of that. This next part is kind of sacrilegious, so if you're a purist skip this, go on... I'll wait. For the rest of you, use a turkey bag, yes really! It makes a really moist turkey, with brown crispy skin and it cuts your cooking time way down. 3 hours for a 20 pound bird? Sign me up!

OK Purists, you can come back now :) Now put your turkey in the oven, mine is in there right now so no pictures yet.

I made my husband peel potatoes, if the kids are around they get the job too. Why? Because I hate it. Its the worst job in the kitchen as far as I'm concerned, I dont know why it just is. He wouldnt let me take pictures of him though. Take my word for it he looked adorable... oh and the potatoes are great too. I like to soak the potatoes for a couple of hours in salted water before boiling them. I dont have any really sound reason for this but its how my mum did it, so that's what I do. I will turn the heat on an hour or so before the turkey is ready to come out and then mash them with canned milk and butter.


Dessert is cooking too, how many ovens do I have? Just one. I am making baked apples with a crumble top in the crock pot. They smell heavenly. I used a basic crumble recipe, I call it the 1/2 cup recipe. 1/2 cup of butter, 1/2 cup of brown sugar, 1/2 cup of old fashioned oats and a 1/2 cup of flour. I throw in some pumpkin pie spice too because I love it. Mix with a pastry cutter, or if youre like me and have no idea where yours is, use a couple of forks, or your hands... I had some left over so I threw some frozen blueberries in a small oven safe dish and put the rest of the crumble on top of it and threw it on the oven while it was preheating. YUM!

I cored the apples without cutting off the bottoms then cut out a bit more space then stuffed the crumb topping in. Cook on low for 4 hours.

Rolls are a basic roll recipe that I make in bulk and freeze. It also doubles as a pizza dough recipe so its great to keep on hand, just let it thaw on the counter and then shape into rolls and bake. Stuffing and corn will follow.

So that is a little look at what our "remember to be Thankful, Thanksgiving" will be tonight. We all have so much to be thankful for, sometimes we forget that when we are so focused on what we want rather than what we have. Time to remedy that. What are you thankful for?

What a difference a day makes

As those of us with chronic illnesses will attest to, a day (or a night) can make all the difference in the world in how we feel. We can be absolutely fine in the evening and awake the next morning barely able to move. The opposite can also be true, we can be miserable one day and the next have seemingly all the energy in the world. It can be utterly frustrating and depressing when you have to cancel on something you were really looking forward to or it can be a wonderful gift to feel like you can get something done that you didn't expect!

I had a high energy day last week and I did a lot of baking and cooking. I try to do this when I'm having a good day so when I don't feel well my family still eats well. It eases my guilt a little and we all know there are plenty of guilty feelings to go around anyway. A friend made a comment about how I am always so ambitious and it made me smile. I really do appreciate the compliments like that because there are so many days when I feel like I don't get anything done or that I don't "carry my own weight" around here. I hoard those compliments in my heart, they make me remember that even through the bad days, tomorrow may just be the best day! This is what I do on my good days, I cook... a lot. I make a lot of meals ahead of time so my family can just take them out of the freezer and I know they're eating something decent.

A friend of mine is an amazing author. Her name is Kathi Lipp , she has written a lot of great books "The Marriage Project" The Me Project" "The get yourself Organized Project" all of them are wonderful but she is also one of my favourite resources for freezer cooking! This woman is a master (Mistress??) at freezer cooking! The "Whats for dinner Solution" book will change your life, especially if you are like me and need to do a lot of cooking at one time. Its so nice to know that I don't have to be in the kitchen all day every day and that, on those days when I just *cant* do it, at least I know I have done something for my family and that is one less burden to carry. I cant thank Kathi enough for the gift of her writing, it has been such a blessing to me and so many others.

This week hasn't been bad, its been a little emotional, ok a lot emotional. We are still waiting to hear about a possible job promotion for my husband (prayers please if you're so inclined!) which would bring about major life changes for us but good ones I think. The kids are all settling back into school, though I have no idea how I all of a sudden have a Senior in High School! I think I may be in denial about that still. I have been dealing with a lot of anxiety lately, which doesnt help the flare ups but overall they have been in check.

I am so grateful for the good days. I'm even grateful for the bad ones, because lets face it, being here is a gift. "Growing older is a gift, a privilege denied to many". So as Gaelic Storm puts it, "Here's to one more day above the roses"!

Its a big day in our house!

I've talked about our daughter Karissa before. She is a special needs child with no solid diagnosis. I wanted to tell you a little more about her before I tell you about her accomplishment today. (You can also look back on this page to the "Special Needs parent" post from a few months ago)

Karissa is our 3rd child and is 11 months younger than her sister. Needless to say she was a surprise but of the very best kind! They weren't able to tell us at the ultrasound if we were having a boy or a girl and for some reason I really needed to know. I had this dream a few nights later of a little blonde haired, hazel eyed girl running through a field of daisies. She was beautiful and had the brightest smile. She stopped right in front of me and said "Hi mommy, I'm a girl and my name is Karissa Rose but you'll call me Rissa Roo." I woke up with a start and shook my husband who mumbled something along the lines of "that's nice dear" and went back to sleep. I was through sleeping at that point so I got up and looked it up in the baby name book. I have no idea where the name came from, it wasn't on our list at all but that is what I found: Karissa (Carissa) means "Beloved, Grace" Remember that for the end of this story....


Today Karissa started the "Lose the Training Wheels" camp. Its a week long camp to help kids with disabilities to learn to ride a bike. Most people take riding a bike for granted, its just part of growing up, right? Well many special needs kids lack the coordination and motor skills to pedal and steer at the same time or simply cant manage to balance on a bike.

That may not matter to a lot of people but to these kids it could mean the world! Its a huge self confidence boost to get to be "normal" for awhile. I've often watched Karissa stare at much younger kids blazing down the streets on their bikes and I know she is wondering why she cant do that. Its conquering a fear that has been around for a very long time and as we all know, that alone makes you feel great! For many kids they may never be able to drive so riding a bike could be the only way to get back and forth to work. It could mean the difference between living independently and needing to have assistance. Its great exercise and while the obesity rate for peer kids is high it is much higher for special needs kids. On top of all of that its FUN! Its also something we can do as a family.

We went into the meeting last night nervous, excited and anxious all at once. This program has an 80% success rate. Meaning 80% of the kids leave this program after a week able to ride independently! Wow. That alone is staggering. I will admit to having my doubts. Karissa was nervous to say the least but they dont hesitate. They introduce themselves and get the kids on a bike in just a few moments. They are specialty bikes with rollers as a back wheel that get progressively more tapered as the rider advances. Karissa was stressed at first but by the end of the first session she relaxed and had a huge smile on her face! She could do it!!!


This is the child we were told might never walk or talk and she would certainly never be "normal" We were even told we might want to look into assisted living. This is also the same child who made honour roll this year!

I asked you to remember what the name Karissa means. A few months ago 3 separate, non connected friends mentioned a singer named Tyrone Wells so I was curious. I looked him up and fell in love with his music. If you haven't heard of him please go take a listen. I promise it will be worth your time! I slowly made it through most of his songs and stopped in my tracks when I found this one http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eVxtAy2M9Lg "Grace is Dancing" So today, there is dancing in my house. Rejoicing in the Beloved gift of Grace that we have been given and celebrating the fact that fears can be overcome and "nothing is impossible if you will just believe" Thanks for that, Tyrone. Keep dancing friends.

Far? Far from where?

Do you remember watching Fiddler on the Roof when you were little? We used to watch it every year when it came on, my parents loved that show. One line in particular has stuck with me all these years. It was when 2 families met in the road and one asked "Where will go?" and the other said "America" the first man said "But that's so FAR!" and the second man shrugged and shook his head and said "Far? Far from where?" I have often felt that way in my life. As a child we moved around a lot. I attended 10 different elementary schools in 2 countries, that was my normal. No, we weren't military (because that's what everyone asks) and while my dad served in both the American and Canadian armed forces that wasn't why moved. My dad was a pastor, who happened to be really good at building churches, a skill not every pastor has, so the church needed us to move on a pretty regular basis.



I am actually one of those rare people who enjoyed moving around, much more than my brothers did. We have seen so many things and been so many places and met so many wonderful people that I honestly felt blessed to get to live that life. I often joke that I am part Gypsy anyway and I feel restless if I've been in one place too long. I have never really felt like I had a "home" though. My friends are all "from" somewhere, but not me, we moved out of the country before my second birthday and continued that pattern my whole life. Through the years I have felt connections to places but when people ask me where home is I really don't have an answer. Depending on my mood or how much I feel like revealing I might say Spokane, because that's where I went to High School and that is where my moms side of the family is from but I don't know that I would ever move back. I might say Seattle because I really enjoyed living there when I was younger. I might also say Calgary because that is where my husband is from and was home for us for awhile. I might say Boise because of all the places I have lived, I lived there the longest and some of my dearest friends on earth live there but none of those places feel like I imagine home should feel. I'm not really "from" any of those places anyway, they were all just stops along the way.

I remember telling my parents after we left Seattle when I was 10 that I felt the only home I ever had was the road. They were really angry about that but I didn't mean in it a bad way. I had everything I needed and it didn't matter to me where we were at the time. We were together and the road was a fine place to be. I had my brothers and my parents and we were safe. To me, that was all that mattered. I learned how to make friends quickly and I am blessed to have friends all over the world now that I keep in touch with.

Now we are in flux again, in my husbands line of work they can send us anywhere and probably will. I learned a long time ago to never say "I will never live there" Because that is kind of like daring God to send you somewhere and He will take you up on it! There are places I would prefer not to live but I am pretty open. When we moved here I thought it would be easy to see my family, just a 2 days drive, but honestly it doesn't happen often. So, while I would love to see them more often, another days drive or a couple more hours on a flight is probably not going to matter much either way. We have made up for it with phone calls and FaceTime and emails, all of which make being apart a little easier. Besides, none of them really want to come here anyway.

Which brings me back to the Fiddler... "Far? Far from where?" I don't know what tomorrow will bring or where it will take us, the great thing is, I don't have to have those answers. I know God has them and that His plan is bigger and better than any plan I have so I put my trust in Him, to take us where He wants us to go. Because home doesn't have to be a place, for me home is wherever I am with those that I love and thankfully, that can be anywhere.




ps: God, I really do miss living near the Ocean though so if that's in Your plan that would be awesome! K thanks bye.

10 year CFS/ME Anniversary

Some time this month, 10 years ago, I'm not exactly sure of the day, I was rushed to the hospital with what Doctors assumed was a heart attack. I had been really weak for a couple of months, and just thought it was the flu. I finally had enough energy to go grocery shopping with my husband and made it part way through the store when it became almost impossible to move. I was exhausted! My chest hurt and that scared me. My husband got me into the car and rushed me over to the Urgent Care across the street. Its funny when you walk into those places you are normally checked in, give them your info and then go sit and wait. I walked in and the nurse took one look at me and said "Honey what hurts" I said something along the lines of "my chest, everything... so tired" I dont think I filled out any paperwork that day, they whisked me into a room and hooked me up to every machine they had, there were at least 4 doctors in the room and one was calling 911.



Before I knew it I was rushed into an ambulance and on the way to the hospital, I was coherent enough to laugh when they asked me if I wanted them to turn on the lights and go fast. It seemed funny at the time but I know now they were trying to judge how strong I was. They turned on the lights. I was rushed into the cardiac wing of the ER. Cardiac ICUs and ERs have a very unique smell to them. One I grew to hate while my dad was sick.
It didnt hit me until I smelled that how serious my predicament was. I had 3 small children, surely this couldn't be happening to me! You see, my dad was sick for a really long time. He was on the heart transplant list and passed away before a heart became available. He was only 56. I began trying to remember all the terms I learned then and listened for the doctors around me to say anything I recognized to try to gauge how bad this really was.




But I was only 30 and a woman and was relatively healthy, albeit not quite at my goal weight but not obese either. A nurse came in and asked if I was crying because of the pain or crying because I was scared. Scared I answered, really scared. She assured me I did the right thing and was in the very best place I could be and she really kind eyes, nurses should always have kind eyes. I know I drifted in and out while I was there, the pain was starting to ease but it had drained what little energy I had left.

They started running more tests, blood work, IVs, a CT... you name it. The good news? My heart was fine! In fact I have a "juvenile heart" (which I use as my excuse when I act immature). The bad news? They couldn't tell me what was wrong. It might yet be very serious they said. "Not out of the woods yet" I heard the Dr say. They reluctantly let me go several hours later after I promised to see a cardiologist the next week. With my family history I was monitored very carefully for more than a year, they were never able to explain why I presented with those symptoms though.



So began my journey, I was a pin cushion every time I went to a Dr. They took more blood and tried to pinpoint what was happening with my body I had numerous EKGs more CT scans and anything else they think of. I was told it was anything from a virus to a disease to sudden depression No one had any answers and it was incredibly frustrating. Finally I changed doctors and she went through my history with me. Then started poking at me "Does your elbow hurt? Does your neck hurt right here? How about your knee?" Yes, they all hurt sometimes badly, sometimes just sort of vaguely hurting but always there was pain, I had been living with it so long I just sort of assumed that was my normal. Hopeful I might finally have an answer I asked what she thought was going on. She handed me a map like this one http://www.fibromyalgia-store.com/assets/18pointstenderness-xlg.jpg and said "You have Fibromyalgia"



Well then, I didn't see that one coming. She handed me another brochure and said "Start taking these pills" Now Im not really a fan of medication. I take it when I need it but I could never be a drug addict. I'm a bit of a control freak (those of you who know me are thinking "NO! Really??) and I don't like the feeling of not being in control of my body. I took the pills and went home to process all of this information. The kids were at a friends house and when my husband came home I was just sitting on the stairs staring at the door. I just wasn't all there, you know? It scared my husband enough that he called the doctor and told them this wasn't going to work. I threw that first drug in the trash and called my Dr the next day. Since that first day I have been through more medications, more treatments and a few Doctors that didn't believe in fibromyalgia at all. Trust me, its real. They tacked on Chronic Fatigue a couple of years later. Chronic fatigue is funny, it sounds like you would sleep a lot, when in fact its the opposite, you rarely sleep. Insomnia has become a constant companion. I am so grateful for the internet because late night TV really sucks, I spend a lot of time here at my desk typing away on twitter or facebook when I should be sleeping.



I'm actually very lucky, I still function pretty normally. I get tired faster than I used to. I get restless though and have a hard time sitting still which can be a real problem when you're at a concert or a movie or just out with friends. I often make excuses about going to the bathroom, I'm not really sure which is worse, explaining that I have this and cant sit still or people who don't know me thinking I have a bladder infection or something. Its easier to go with the bathroom defense. I am hyper sensitive to touch, sound and even smells... all of which seem strange to me. I think the dreaded "Fibro Fog" is the worst though, I am an intelligent person, some days though you wouldn't know it. I lose my train of thought or go off on a "bunny trail" that doesn't make sense to anyone else but me. I often completely lose what I was thinking and cant remember the most basic of things. Often in my posts there will be a missing word or I will put the same word twice and not catch it. Post Its and my note apps on my phone have become my saving grace.



Today I do in fact take some medications, mostly just at night to at least give a chance at sleeping and pain medication because it has gotten a little worse through the years. I do Yoga when I can and am learning to rest more often and listen to my body. I have never "done still" very well. I have always been the first one for a road trip or a concert or hiking or whatever. I still do a lot of that stuff, just at a different pace. I still tend to go until I collapse because that's my personality but I'm learning. I have always said that God doesn't whisper to me, he thwacks me on the knuckles with a ruler to get my attention. This is sort of the same thing. If I don't listen, I get the ruler treatment and I am down for the count. I am learning, it just takes me awhile.

10 years is a long time, but I'm ok. I have Hope, I have Faith, and I have my family and friends who love me through any attack I have and are incredibly understanding when I have to say "I just cant today". I know that I am so fortunate to have the support that I do and I dont ever take them for granted! They are truly amazing and I am blessed to have each of them, each of you, in my life. I love you all and appreciate you more than you will ever know. Thank you.

I'm a special needs parent

Karissa was born in 1999, so I've had that title for awhile now. Some days it makes me strong and some days I cry but most of the time I'm just tired. Tired of all of the emotions that tumble through me on a daily basis. The utter joy that I feel when she "gets it" whatever "it" happens to be that day. Tired of the look of pity on other parents' faces when she doesn't act like their perfect child. Tired of the giggles from audiences when she is in a school play and does something that others don't understand so they laugh, again with pity, but more because they don't know what other reaction to have. Tired of the guilt that I feel sometimes because, while she has issues, she sits in a class with kids whose issues are more severe than hers, and I know that some of the other parents resent that.

A friend said something to me that I have thought about for a long time but could really never figure out how to answer it. It was a friend from High School and I hadn't seen him in a long time. We were catching up, talking about kids and family and how great it all is. I told him about all 3 of my kids, my eldest was playing hockey at the time, my middle child was involved in anything that revolved around acting or singing and then Karissa. Well Karissa... she loves to play but she doesn't have a lot of time for that right now as 9 hours a week of therapy and multiple Dr. visits don't allow for a lot of free time... I'll never forget what happened then. My friend took my hand, squeezed it and said "That must be really hard" I just kind of nodded my head, not knowing what to say next.

I've thought about that moment a lot over the years. "That must be really hard" I couldn't begin to tell him how hard it can be. The Doctor visits... SO many Doctors! You see, they don't know whats "wrong" with Karissa. For years different Doctors have sworn they had the answer but none of them were ever right. They would say "Its this! Its so clearly this!" but then a week or a month would go by and she would do something to totally prove them wrong. She has been to specialists that have degrees lining the walls of their offices like wallpaper from prestigious schools all over the world. All of them sure about one thing or the other, then they order a test and it wouldn't be the right diagnosis after all. We have been to neurologists, pediatric cardiac specialists (who made her wear a heart monitor for a month), we even drove 400 miles to get a second opinion. One Doctor gave her hours of tests over several days and shook her head sadly and said "we need to an MRI, I think she is missing part of her brain and we need to know right now" You can imagine what that would do to a parents heart. We worried and prayed and prayed some more and asked everyone we knew to pray. Well after a very traumatic time of getting her to the hospital and into the test the answer we heard was "hmmmm I was so sure that was it but its all there AND its all working. I just dont understand"

Why did we go through all of that? Any parent of a special needs child will tell you its so important to have an answer. Parents of peer kids hate labels, parents of special needs kids crave them. If they could tell me tomorrow "This is what it is" I could look it up, I could find answers, I could find other people who have been through what I am going through and they could tell me that its going to be ok! Because no one tells you that! NO ONE says that. When you don't know whats wrong with your child, you are left to wonder "What does life hold for her?! Will she be able to live on her own? Will she find someone to love? Will she be ok?!" You don't know how to treat a new symptom, you don't know if this IS a new symptom or if its something you should call the Dr. about. You don't know what normal is anymore. Your normal is a whole new normal and NO ONE tells you that!! We were told that she may never walk normally, she probably wouldn't talk or socialize and she certainly wouldn't be able to function on her own. We were even told at one point that she might never be able to be independent. Its enough to drive you insane, certainly enough to exhaust you.

But there is hope, there is hope in those darkest of times. The last neurologist that we went to, in 2004, observed her for a long time, he asked questions here and there but mostly he just watched her. She brought him a book to read and sat down on his lap and she sounded out some words for him, a miracle in itself as she is terrified of anyone wearing a lab coat. When she went off to play he looked me in the eye and said "She has Karissa syndrome. She doesn't fit neatly into any of our little boxes. I'm not sure we will ever know what happened or what is really wrong, but the facts are she is a bright, joyful, happy child and in the end, what more can you hope for?" I left that office and for the first time in a long time, I felt hope. And I knew, it IS ok. It may not be what I thought it was going to be but its ok, she is ok. In fact, she is better than ok. She is one of the most loving, caring, joyful people you would ever want to meet.

So, yes, it can be hard but its also beautiful. She is fiercely loyal, she has the strongest moral compass of anyone I know and fights for what is fair. She stands up for people who cant stand up for themselves and she has friends, so many friends. They love her for who she is and isn't that a great gift? She is so much more than I could have hoped for and she has made all of us better people and for her, that is easy. That is just who she is and part of the "Karissa syndrome".

More cheap art

So, as you know, I really like to figure out ways to make things unique and functional while still staying on a budget.

This is more "art" from my collection. I found this fabric at Ikea last year and fell in love with it. I bought it thinking I would make pillows out of it or something. Well I had another one of those walls in my house (see previous post) that I had to fill. Instead of going to the hardware this time I decided to try to frame it. I went to Bed Bath and Beyond and with 3 different coupons (see I told you I was cheap) I bought 3 poster frames. I placed the fabric around the backer board and after figuring out a pattern that I loved, cut it and stretched it around the back. I laid it in the frame, tightened the back and Voila, easy art!

Thankfully these fit into my new house just right.

Cheap, I mean, inexpensive, art work for the house

So in the last house that we rented I had massive 2 story walls that needed something on them. They were all contractor white paint and boring. Lets be honest here, no one wants to spend a ton of money on a house you know you aren't going to be in for very long. So I got creative. I looked all over for something, anything, to cover that space! I could find large art pieces but they were hundreds of dollars or well, just plain ugly.

So, it was up to me! I was already thinking I was going to have to bite the bullet and buy a canvas and do my own art work. Then I went to Ross one day and found a vinyl tablecloth that I loved. hmmmm that could work. So after weighing all of options I decided it was durable enough to hang if I built a strong enough frame. Now I have watched enough Trading Spaces in my life to know that light weight wood= MDF so off to the lumber store I go. *side note, have you ever notice how nice men are to women in lumber stores? Its like they think we're lost little sheep or something but I digress... Picked up the MDF and talked said nice man into cutting them to size for me and went merry way. I showed my then 15 year old son who looked at me with a rather puzzled look on his face but knows better than to question me when I've done something like this. He and I sat down in the living room with the staple gun, some wood glue and a couple of nails and a hammer. We quickly discarded the hammer and nails and resorted to a drill and some screws. It wasn't pretty but we managed to build a frame. Then we laid it on the back of the table cloth, stapled the cloth as best we could and this was our final result. Total cost of project? Under $15 all included. Not bad for a space that was roughly 10 X 19

To the soldier I met last week

I have been struggling with how to write this all week. I returned to Denver last week from an amazing girls weekend full of fun and laughter and great music. I was still processing all of that and coming down from that emotional high when I was dropped back into my real life feet first and at full speed. Only this time I had a new perspective. I sat down today and finally wrote out what I had been coming to terms with since my trip. This is what changed my view.


As I was flying out of Dulles airport in Washington DC last week, I noticed several military members boarding the flight with me. Not unusual given the area that we were leaving. The plane was almost empty and the flight attendent went through the cabin offering the rest of first class seats to those in uniform. I struck up a friendly but brief conversation with the soldier in the aisle next to me. He declined the upgrade and let his fellow soldiers go in front of him. I encouraged him to go too but he stayed back. Soon we were in the air and I started mentally going through my list of things that must be done when I got home. I had been away with my girlfriends that weekend and I had a long ways to go before I got home. I knew I had a lot to do so I plugged in my Ipod and started making notes of what needed to happen and when. My mum was visiting, my daughter had a play that night and I was concerned I may not make it in time, my other daughter had a science fair that night and how was I going to juggle all of that.... my list was long and yet every so often I would look up at the soldier in the next aisle and he would smile at me. We talked very little, with me being consumed with all I had to do, but he was very nice and he had a peace about him that I couldnt place until much later.

Soon we landed and I offerred to let him go in front of me to catch up with his friends. He declined and said "ladies first ma'am". As we walked off the plane together I said "that was an easy flight, but my next one is a long one. How about you?" He just smiled and said "I'm heading to Iraq tonight Ma'am." I stopped in my tracks, all of a sudden ashamed by selfishness. I had missed a golden opportunity to talk with this young man, to learn about him, to thank him. I hugged him and said "go with God" he just smiled and walked away. I wondered what his to do list must have looked like in the last few weeks. What plans he had made and friends he wanted to see before he left. Then I thought about all the things he would be missing while he was gone, the Birthdays, the visits, the projects around the house. My list seemed pretty small compared to all of that.

So, to the soldier that I wish I had gotten to know, I am sorry. I want you to know that I have prayed for you every day since we met. I have thought about you many times in the last week, when my life seemed crazy and out of control. I thought about you and I remembered that all things considered, my life is pretty quiet and not nearly as stressful as I used to think it was.

I owe a lot of that to you and those with whom you serve. Thank you.

Cooking!

Well today I indulged in one of my passions. I LOVE to cook! I have been exploring the idea of cooking once a month and freezing meals.  I started with chili, which for some reason, I have never actually made. So weird, right? But once I got started with it I didnt stop I *sort of kind of * followed a recipe but not really. I learned today that I dont know how to cook pinto beans, I had beans on hand but not for cooking. I use them for crafting (another passion of mine that we get into later). So I did what any grown woman does, I called my mommy. She really didnt know how to quick cook them either so I went online and figured it out.

So I had my base, added ground beef, then started thinking about what else would be good in there. Salsa? sure why not? Tomato paste, yep thats good. A little of this, some more of that and there ya go. It sure smells good!

I figured since I was working on things I didnt know about or was not very good at I would try to tackle meatballs. I make awesome meatloaf but for some reason I make meat squares, not meat balls. But I found a recipe online (Thank you Alton Brown!) and it it actually worked!

And then, since you cant have chili without corn bread I made my all time favourite corn bread. Its a recipe from a little place called Maine Diner in Wells Maine. If you ever find yourself in Wells you have to eat here! Then go next door to the gift shop and buy the cookbook (another passion of mine for another day). Their recipe is by far the best corn bread I have ever had but I had to some adapting. Wells is probably at about 5 FT in Elevation, I'm at about 5300.  So what works for them doesnt always work for me. After a little tweaking adding a little more milk and a little more flour and cooking it a little longer it comes out amazing! The bread isnt as fluffy as it is close to the ocean, but its still the best!

So today was a learning experience for me. I conquered some long standing cooking fears and feel pretty good about it. 

New journeys and old

"So how are you doing on your New Years resolutions?" How many times do we hear that towards the end of January? Most of us greet that with a groan because, hey lets face it, the intention was there and motivation was strong just a few short weeks ago but that fades and the changes that didnt become a habit are swept under the rug.

I turn 40 this year. I really dont mind getting older I see each year as a gift from God so the number doesnt mean anything to me. What does bother me though is how *I* have become unimportant in my own view. How did that happen? I used to care about myself, my body, how I felt about things. Being a mother and a wife and all of the other roles I have assumed over the years have swallowed up who I was. Now that may sound selfish but that is far from my intent. One of my resolutions this year was to get into better shape, not only physically but spritually as well. I put a number on the physical part, 40 for 40 that was, and is, my goal. I am working towards that and I do believe I will get there.

The spiritual part is hard to put a number on though. I want to grow Spiritually, I want to feel closer to God. Then to borrow a much used statement, I want to find myself. I know that I cant find myself though without growing spiritually because one is dependent on the other. Its who I am.

So today I start my journey back to me.

New commitments.

Well I have 23 months until I hit 40. Why is this so important to me? Not only is a huge milestone in age, its a health milestone for me. I want to be healthier and I have tried so many times before. I woke up a couple of days ago and decided that 40 is my goal. I cant change when I turn 40

Homschooling, can I really do this?

So I have been informed that doing virtual school is not ACTUALLY homeschooling. Hey they're home and they're doing school here. Its homeschooling.

It means that I have to do some major adjustments. I am fine with that for the most part. It will mean that I will have to get help on the days when I am working in the schools but thats ok. It also means I wont have as much free time. That is probably for the best though. I have had some time to think about these things and I think I can make it work, until we move at least I have a lot of help.

I am a little nervous though about a few things. Socially I dont know if Im doing the right thing? Given how badly my girls were bullied last year it makes me NOT want them to socialize with a lot of kids. We love our friends dearly and of course will keep up with them but as for the general population of their school last year? No way.

I worry that I will be too controlling, I dont want that for my kids. I want to be the best parent I can be for them and guide them but I dont want to rule their lives.


I do think it will be good for them though. I want it to be good for them. They're excited which means something, right?

they say that change is good.

Well if that's true then I am absolutely fantastic!

I have moved around most of my life, being a pastors kid you don't get a lot of other options. We moved the first time when I was just a few months old and kept going from there. I always joked that I was part gypsy but I think there is some truth to that.

We have been in this town now for 12 years which is by far the longest I have ever lived anywhere. Now its coming to an end. My husband was promoted (yay) and we are moving 1000 miles away. Part of me is ready for the adventure but now that I have kids of my own, I worry about them. I always enjoyed picking up and moving to a new place. I could start all over. No one would know that I fell off the monkey bars at my school and my parents had to come and get me. Or that I had a huge crush on the most popular boy in school and he lived to torment me. I could be whoever I wanted to be and no one would know I was ever anything else. Of course it didn't always work out like that. Once a klutz always a klutz. Somethings follow you no matter where you go.

but how will my kids take it? Will they enjoy a new adventure? I have certainly made it seem like a grand adventure, we have visited our new town and they all seem to like it. The difference though is this is really the only town they have ever known. My son was born in Canada but we moved very early in his life, my girls have never lived anywhere else though.

So how do I make this easy on them? How do I make it the transition without worrying them? We have talked about it, we have looked online at different things to do and they seem excited. Then it starts to sink in that they will be not be with Nana anymore and they wont be able to see their same friends everyday.

To help offset this, since we will likely be moving after school starts, I have decided to home school them for the first semester. Otherwise I would have to start them in a new school here and then pull them out and start them again in our new town. Who knows? maybe they will like it and decide that we want to keep it up? But for now we are doing it to make sure they can get through the transition period a little easier. We can take our time in a our new house and find the school that fits them best if we decide not to continue homeschooling.

We are also very involved in our church here. My husband and I volunteer in the youth department and our kids love being there. Finding a church like this one is going to be tough. We really feel like they are family for us.

Some days I feel really overwhelmed by all that I am facing. I wonder how it is ever going to feel "normal" again. Other days I feel much more confident and know that whatever happens will be in Gods timing and not mine.

So like the title says "If change is good, I'm fantastic!"