A little bit of Thanksgiving

We are dual citizens in our house, Half American/Half Canadian. We live in the States now and I try to honour as many of the Canadian traditions as I can, this includes having TWO Thanksgivings. Yes its a lot of work but as we say around here "You can never be too Thankful" Come Christmas time, I am ready for ham or prime rib as I have kind of had my fill of turkey :)

I just dont think it should end there though, you know? We have been going through a lot lately and I just realized that we haven't really taken the time to be thankful for the good stuff in our lives. There is SO much good stuff, we are truly blessed beyond words. So, in addition to the two I will already be doing this year, today is sort of a "remember to the Thankful, Thanksgiving". And what better way than to go all out with a turkey dinner?

Here is a little look at what Thanksgiving day looks like in our house.

Turkey of course... stuffed with apples, onions, and bacon. Yes Bacon. This is a tip I learned from my mother in law. Instead of putting butter on your turkey, use bacon grease, it tastes SO much better! So here what goes in the turkey

I didn't have any fresh onions and really didn't have the energy to go to the store so dried onion to the rescue. I could be all crunchy and tell you I dried the onions from own garden but for $3. at Costco, why bother? A little trick to stuffing your turkey, put it in a large bowl and then just slide everything in. I don't know why no one ever told me that, its the easiest way to do it. Rub the bacon grease over the outside and whatever spices you want. I dont really add any more salt because the bacon takes care of that. This next part is kind of sacrilegious, so if you're a purist skip this, go on... I'll wait. For the rest of you, use a turkey bag, yes really! It makes a really moist turkey, with brown crispy skin and it cuts your cooking time way down. 3 hours for a 20 pound bird? Sign me up!

OK Purists, you can come back now :) Now put your turkey in the oven, mine is in there right now so no pictures yet.

I made my husband peel potatoes, if the kids are around they get the job too. Why? Because I hate it. Its the worst job in the kitchen as far as I'm concerned, I dont know why it just is. He wouldnt let me take pictures of him though. Take my word for it he looked adorable... oh and the potatoes are great too. I like to soak the potatoes for a couple of hours in salted water before boiling them. I dont have any really sound reason for this but its how my mum did it, so that's what I do. I will turn the heat on an hour or so before the turkey is ready to come out and then mash them with canned milk and butter.


Dessert is cooking too, how many ovens do I have? Just one. I am making baked apples with a crumble top in the crock pot. They smell heavenly. I used a basic crumble recipe, I call it the 1/2 cup recipe. 1/2 cup of butter, 1/2 cup of brown sugar, 1/2 cup of old fashioned oats and a 1/2 cup of flour. I throw in some pumpkin pie spice too because I love it. Mix with a pastry cutter, or if youre like me and have no idea where yours is, use a couple of forks, or your hands... I had some left over so I threw some frozen blueberries in a small oven safe dish and put the rest of the crumble on top of it and threw it on the oven while it was preheating. YUM!

I cored the apples without cutting off the bottoms then cut out a bit more space then stuffed the crumb topping in. Cook on low for 4 hours.

Rolls are a basic roll recipe that I make in bulk and freeze. It also doubles as a pizza dough recipe so its great to keep on hand, just let it thaw on the counter and then shape into rolls and bake. Stuffing and corn will follow.

So that is a little look at what our "remember to be Thankful, Thanksgiving" will be tonight. We all have so much to be thankful for, sometimes we forget that when we are so focused on what we want rather than what we have. Time to remedy that. What are you thankful for?

What a difference a day makes

As those of us with chronic illnesses will attest to, a day (or a night) can make all the difference in the world in how we feel. We can be absolutely fine in the evening and awake the next morning barely able to move. The opposite can also be true, we can be miserable one day and the next have seemingly all the energy in the world. It can be utterly frustrating and depressing when you have to cancel on something you were really looking forward to or it can be a wonderful gift to feel like you can get something done that you didn't expect!

I had a high energy day last week and I did a lot of baking and cooking. I try to do this when I'm having a good day so when I don't feel well my family still eats well. It eases my guilt a little and we all know there are plenty of guilty feelings to go around anyway. A friend made a comment about how I am always so ambitious and it made me smile. I really do appreciate the compliments like that because there are so many days when I feel like I don't get anything done or that I don't "carry my own weight" around here. I hoard those compliments in my heart, they make me remember that even through the bad days, tomorrow may just be the best day! This is what I do on my good days, I cook... a lot. I make a lot of meals ahead of time so my family can just take them out of the freezer and I know they're eating something decent.

A friend of mine is an amazing author. Her name is Kathi Lipp , she has written a lot of great books "The Marriage Project" The Me Project" "The get yourself Organized Project" all of them are wonderful but she is also one of my favourite resources for freezer cooking! This woman is a master (Mistress??) at freezer cooking! The "Whats for dinner Solution" book will change your life, especially if you are like me and need to do a lot of cooking at one time. Its so nice to know that I don't have to be in the kitchen all day every day and that, on those days when I just *cant* do it, at least I know I have done something for my family and that is one less burden to carry. I cant thank Kathi enough for the gift of her writing, it has been such a blessing to me and so many others.

This week hasn't been bad, its been a little emotional, ok a lot emotional. We are still waiting to hear about a possible job promotion for my husband (prayers please if you're so inclined!) which would bring about major life changes for us but good ones I think. The kids are all settling back into school, though I have no idea how I all of a sudden have a Senior in High School! I think I may be in denial about that still. I have been dealing with a lot of anxiety lately, which doesnt help the flare ups but overall they have been in check.

I am so grateful for the good days. I'm even grateful for the bad ones, because lets face it, being here is a gift. "Growing older is a gift, a privilege denied to many". So as Gaelic Storm puts it, "Here's to one more day above the roses"!

Its a big day in our house!

I've talked about our daughter Karissa before. She is a special needs child with no solid diagnosis. I wanted to tell you a little more about her before I tell you about her accomplishment today. (You can also look back on this page to the "Special Needs parent" post from a few months ago)

Karissa is our 3rd child and is 11 months younger than her sister. Needless to say she was a surprise but of the very best kind! They weren't able to tell us at the ultrasound if we were having a boy or a girl and for some reason I really needed to know. I had this dream a few nights later of a little blonde haired, hazel eyed girl running through a field of daisies. She was beautiful and had the brightest smile. She stopped right in front of me and said "Hi mommy, I'm a girl and my name is Karissa Rose but you'll call me Rissa Roo." I woke up with a start and shook my husband who mumbled something along the lines of "that's nice dear" and went back to sleep. I was through sleeping at that point so I got up and looked it up in the baby name book. I have no idea where the name came from, it wasn't on our list at all but that is what I found: Karissa (Carissa) means "Beloved, Grace" Remember that for the end of this story....


Today Karissa started the "Lose the Training Wheels" camp. Its a week long camp to help kids with disabilities to learn to ride a bike. Most people take riding a bike for granted, its just part of growing up, right? Well many special needs kids lack the coordination and motor skills to pedal and steer at the same time or simply cant manage to balance on a bike.

That may not matter to a lot of people but to these kids it could mean the world! Its a huge self confidence boost to get to be "normal" for awhile. I've often watched Karissa stare at much younger kids blazing down the streets on their bikes and I know she is wondering why she cant do that. Its conquering a fear that has been around for a very long time and as we all know, that alone makes you feel great! For many kids they may never be able to drive so riding a bike could be the only way to get back and forth to work. It could mean the difference between living independently and needing to have assistance. Its great exercise and while the obesity rate for peer kids is high it is much higher for special needs kids. On top of all of that its FUN! Its also something we can do as a family.

We went into the meeting last night nervous, excited and anxious all at once. This program has an 80% success rate. Meaning 80% of the kids leave this program after a week able to ride independently! Wow. That alone is staggering. I will admit to having my doubts. Karissa was nervous to say the least but they dont hesitate. They introduce themselves and get the kids on a bike in just a few moments. They are specialty bikes with rollers as a back wheel that get progressively more tapered as the rider advances. Karissa was stressed at first but by the end of the first session she relaxed and had a huge smile on her face! She could do it!!!


This is the child we were told might never walk or talk and she would certainly never be "normal" We were even told we might want to look into assisted living. This is also the same child who made honour roll this year!

I asked you to remember what the name Karissa means. A few months ago 3 separate, non connected friends mentioned a singer named Tyrone Wells so I was curious. I looked him up and fell in love with his music. If you haven't heard of him please go take a listen. I promise it will be worth your time! I slowly made it through most of his songs and stopped in my tracks when I found this one http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eVxtAy2M9Lg "Grace is Dancing" So today, there is dancing in my house. Rejoicing in the Beloved gift of Grace that we have been given and celebrating the fact that fears can be overcome and "nothing is impossible if you will just believe" Thanks for that, Tyrone. Keep dancing friends.

Far? Far from where?

Do you remember watching Fiddler on the Roof when you were little? We used to watch it every year when it came on, my parents loved that show. One line in particular has stuck with me all these years. It was when 2 families met in the road and one asked "Where will go?" and the other said "America" the first man said "But that's so FAR!" and the second man shrugged and shook his head and said "Far? Far from where?" I have often felt that way in my life. As a child we moved around a lot. I attended 10 different elementary schools in 2 countries, that was my normal. No, we weren't military (because that's what everyone asks) and while my dad served in both the American and Canadian armed forces that wasn't why moved. My dad was a pastor, who happened to be really good at building churches, a skill not every pastor has, so the church needed us to move on a pretty regular basis.



I am actually one of those rare people who enjoyed moving around, much more than my brothers did. We have seen so many things and been so many places and met so many wonderful people that I honestly felt blessed to get to live that life. I often joke that I am part Gypsy anyway and I feel restless if I've been in one place too long. I have never really felt like I had a "home" though. My friends are all "from" somewhere, but not me, we moved out of the country before my second birthday and continued that pattern my whole life. Through the years I have felt connections to places but when people ask me where home is I really don't have an answer. Depending on my mood or how much I feel like revealing I might say Spokane, because that's where I went to High School and that is where my moms side of the family is from but I don't know that I would ever move back. I might say Seattle because I really enjoyed living there when I was younger. I might also say Calgary because that is where my husband is from and was home for us for awhile. I might say Boise because of all the places I have lived, I lived there the longest and some of my dearest friends on earth live there but none of those places feel like I imagine home should feel. I'm not really "from" any of those places anyway, they were all just stops along the way.

I remember telling my parents after we left Seattle when I was 10 that I felt the only home I ever had was the road. They were really angry about that but I didn't mean in it a bad way. I had everything I needed and it didn't matter to me where we were at the time. We were together and the road was a fine place to be. I had my brothers and my parents and we were safe. To me, that was all that mattered. I learned how to make friends quickly and I am blessed to have friends all over the world now that I keep in touch with.

Now we are in flux again, in my husbands line of work they can send us anywhere and probably will. I learned a long time ago to never say "I will never live there" Because that is kind of like daring God to send you somewhere and He will take you up on it! There are places I would prefer not to live but I am pretty open. When we moved here I thought it would be easy to see my family, just a 2 days drive, but honestly it doesn't happen often. So, while I would love to see them more often, another days drive or a couple more hours on a flight is probably not going to matter much either way. We have made up for it with phone calls and FaceTime and emails, all of which make being apart a little easier. Besides, none of them really want to come here anyway.

Which brings me back to the Fiddler... "Far? Far from where?" I don't know what tomorrow will bring or where it will take us, the great thing is, I don't have to have those answers. I know God has them and that His plan is bigger and better than any plan I have so I put my trust in Him, to take us where He wants us to go. Because home doesn't have to be a place, for me home is wherever I am with those that I love and thankfully, that can be anywhere.




ps: God, I really do miss living near the Ocean though so if that's in Your plan that would be awesome! K thanks bye.

10 year CFS/ME Anniversary

Some time this month, 10 years ago, I'm not exactly sure of the day, I was rushed to the hospital with what Doctors assumed was a heart attack. I had been really weak for a couple of months, and just thought it was the flu. I finally had enough energy to go grocery shopping with my husband and made it part way through the store when it became almost impossible to move. I was exhausted! My chest hurt and that scared me. My husband got me into the car and rushed me over to the Urgent Care across the street. Its funny when you walk into those places you are normally checked in, give them your info and then go sit and wait. I walked in and the nurse took one look at me and said "Honey what hurts" I said something along the lines of "my chest, everything... so tired" I dont think I filled out any paperwork that day, they whisked me into a room and hooked me up to every machine they had, there were at least 4 doctors in the room and one was calling 911.



Before I knew it I was rushed into an ambulance and on the way to the hospital, I was coherent enough to laugh when they asked me if I wanted them to turn on the lights and go fast. It seemed funny at the time but I know now they were trying to judge how strong I was. They turned on the lights. I was rushed into the cardiac wing of the ER. Cardiac ICUs and ERs have a very unique smell to them. One I grew to hate while my dad was sick.
It didnt hit me until I smelled that how serious my predicament was. I had 3 small children, surely this couldn't be happening to me! You see, my dad was sick for a really long time. He was on the heart transplant list and passed away before a heart became available. He was only 56. I began trying to remember all the terms I learned then and listened for the doctors around me to say anything I recognized to try to gauge how bad this really was.




But I was only 30 and a woman and was relatively healthy, albeit not quite at my goal weight but not obese either. A nurse came in and asked if I was crying because of the pain or crying because I was scared. Scared I answered, really scared. She assured me I did the right thing and was in the very best place I could be and she really kind eyes, nurses should always have kind eyes. I know I drifted in and out while I was there, the pain was starting to ease but it had drained what little energy I had left.

They started running more tests, blood work, IVs, a CT... you name it. The good news? My heart was fine! In fact I have a "juvenile heart" (which I use as my excuse when I act immature). The bad news? They couldn't tell me what was wrong. It might yet be very serious they said. "Not out of the woods yet" I heard the Dr say. They reluctantly let me go several hours later after I promised to see a cardiologist the next week. With my family history I was monitored very carefully for more than a year, they were never able to explain why I presented with those symptoms though.



So began my journey, I was a pin cushion every time I went to a Dr. They took more blood and tried to pinpoint what was happening with my body I had numerous EKGs more CT scans and anything else they think of. I was told it was anything from a virus to a disease to sudden depression No one had any answers and it was incredibly frustrating. Finally I changed doctors and she went through my history with me. Then started poking at me "Does your elbow hurt? Does your neck hurt right here? How about your knee?" Yes, they all hurt sometimes badly, sometimes just sort of vaguely hurting but always there was pain, I had been living with it so long I just sort of assumed that was my normal. Hopeful I might finally have an answer I asked what she thought was going on. She handed me a map like this one http://www.fibromyalgia-store.com/assets/18pointstenderness-xlg.jpg and said "You have Fibromyalgia"



Well then, I didn't see that one coming. She handed me another brochure and said "Start taking these pills" Now Im not really a fan of medication. I take it when I need it but I could never be a drug addict. I'm a bit of a control freak (those of you who know me are thinking "NO! Really??) and I don't like the feeling of not being in control of my body. I took the pills and went home to process all of this information. The kids were at a friends house and when my husband came home I was just sitting on the stairs staring at the door. I just wasn't all there, you know? It scared my husband enough that he called the doctor and told them this wasn't going to work. I threw that first drug in the trash and called my Dr the next day. Since that first day I have been through more medications, more treatments and a few Doctors that didn't believe in fibromyalgia at all. Trust me, its real. They tacked on Chronic Fatigue a couple of years later. Chronic fatigue is funny, it sounds like you would sleep a lot, when in fact its the opposite, you rarely sleep. Insomnia has become a constant companion. I am so grateful for the internet because late night TV really sucks, I spend a lot of time here at my desk typing away on twitter or facebook when I should be sleeping.



I'm actually very lucky, I still function pretty normally. I get tired faster than I used to. I get restless though and have a hard time sitting still which can be a real problem when you're at a concert or a movie or just out with friends. I often make excuses about going to the bathroom, I'm not really sure which is worse, explaining that I have this and cant sit still or people who don't know me thinking I have a bladder infection or something. Its easier to go with the bathroom defense. I am hyper sensitive to touch, sound and even smells... all of which seem strange to me. I think the dreaded "Fibro Fog" is the worst though, I am an intelligent person, some days though you wouldn't know it. I lose my train of thought or go off on a "bunny trail" that doesn't make sense to anyone else but me. I often completely lose what I was thinking and cant remember the most basic of things. Often in my posts there will be a missing word or I will put the same word twice and not catch it. Post Its and my note apps on my phone have become my saving grace.



Today I do in fact take some medications, mostly just at night to at least give a chance at sleeping and pain medication because it has gotten a little worse through the years. I do Yoga when I can and am learning to rest more often and listen to my body. I have never "done still" very well. I have always been the first one for a road trip or a concert or hiking or whatever. I still do a lot of that stuff, just at a different pace. I still tend to go until I collapse because that's my personality but I'm learning. I have always said that God doesn't whisper to me, he thwacks me on the knuckles with a ruler to get my attention. This is sort of the same thing. If I don't listen, I get the ruler treatment and I am down for the count. I am learning, it just takes me awhile.

10 years is a long time, but I'm ok. I have Hope, I have Faith, and I have my family and friends who love me through any attack I have and are incredibly understanding when I have to say "I just cant today". I know that I am so fortunate to have the support that I do and I dont ever take them for granted! They are truly amazing and I am blessed to have each of them, each of you, in my life. I love you all and appreciate you more than you will ever know. Thank you.

I'm a special needs parent

Karissa was born in 1999, so I've had that title for awhile now. Some days it makes me strong and some days I cry but most of the time I'm just tired. Tired of all of the emotions that tumble through me on a daily basis. The utter joy that I feel when she "gets it" whatever "it" happens to be that day. Tired of the look of pity on other parents' faces when she doesn't act like their perfect child. Tired of the giggles from audiences when she is in a school play and does something that others don't understand so they laugh, again with pity, but more because they don't know what other reaction to have. Tired of the guilt that I feel sometimes because, while she has issues, she sits in a class with kids whose issues are more severe than hers, and I know that some of the other parents resent that.

A friend said something to me that I have thought about for a long time but could really never figure out how to answer it. It was a friend from High School and I hadn't seen him in a long time. We were catching up, talking about kids and family and how great it all is. I told him about all 3 of my kids, my eldest was playing hockey at the time, my middle child was involved in anything that revolved around acting or singing and then Karissa. Well Karissa... she loves to play but she doesn't have a lot of time for that right now as 9 hours a week of therapy and multiple Dr. visits don't allow for a lot of free time... I'll never forget what happened then. My friend took my hand, squeezed it and said "That must be really hard" I just kind of nodded my head, not knowing what to say next.

I've thought about that moment a lot over the years. "That must be really hard" I couldn't begin to tell him how hard it can be. The Doctor visits... SO many Doctors! You see, they don't know whats "wrong" with Karissa. For years different Doctors have sworn they had the answer but none of them were ever right. They would say "Its this! Its so clearly this!" but then a week or a month would go by and she would do something to totally prove them wrong. She has been to specialists that have degrees lining the walls of their offices like wallpaper from prestigious schools all over the world. All of them sure about one thing or the other, then they order a test and it wouldn't be the right diagnosis after all. We have been to neurologists, pediatric cardiac specialists (who made her wear a heart monitor for a month), we even drove 400 miles to get a second opinion. One Doctor gave her hours of tests over several days and shook her head sadly and said "we need to an MRI, I think she is missing part of her brain and we need to know right now" You can imagine what that would do to a parents heart. We worried and prayed and prayed some more and asked everyone we knew to pray. Well after a very traumatic time of getting her to the hospital and into the test the answer we heard was "hmmmm I was so sure that was it but its all there AND its all working. I just dont understand"

Why did we go through all of that? Any parent of a special needs child will tell you its so important to have an answer. Parents of peer kids hate labels, parents of special needs kids crave them. If they could tell me tomorrow "This is what it is" I could look it up, I could find answers, I could find other people who have been through what I am going through and they could tell me that its going to be ok! Because no one tells you that! NO ONE says that. When you don't know whats wrong with your child, you are left to wonder "What does life hold for her?! Will she be able to live on her own? Will she find someone to love? Will she be ok?!" You don't know how to treat a new symptom, you don't know if this IS a new symptom or if its something you should call the Dr. about. You don't know what normal is anymore. Your normal is a whole new normal and NO ONE tells you that!! We were told that she may never walk normally, she probably wouldn't talk or socialize and she certainly wouldn't be able to function on her own. We were even told at one point that she might never be able to be independent. Its enough to drive you insane, certainly enough to exhaust you.

But there is hope, there is hope in those darkest of times. The last neurologist that we went to, in 2004, observed her for a long time, he asked questions here and there but mostly he just watched her. She brought him a book to read and sat down on his lap and she sounded out some words for him, a miracle in itself as she is terrified of anyone wearing a lab coat. When she went off to play he looked me in the eye and said "She has Karissa syndrome. She doesn't fit neatly into any of our little boxes. I'm not sure we will ever know what happened or what is really wrong, but the facts are she is a bright, joyful, happy child and in the end, what more can you hope for?" I left that office and for the first time in a long time, I felt hope. And I knew, it IS ok. It may not be what I thought it was going to be but its ok, she is ok. In fact, she is better than ok. She is one of the most loving, caring, joyful people you would ever want to meet.

So, yes, it can be hard but its also beautiful. She is fiercely loyal, she has the strongest moral compass of anyone I know and fights for what is fair. She stands up for people who cant stand up for themselves and she has friends, so many friends. They love her for who she is and isn't that a great gift? She is so much more than I could have hoped for and she has made all of us better people and for her, that is easy. That is just who she is and part of the "Karissa syndrome".